omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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