you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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