Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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