its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
