Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
