evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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