take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
