Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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