I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
