I accidentally had phone sex last night
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
FUCK WHALES
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
