atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
