Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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