I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So vagazzling was a success
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
