Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
