Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
