She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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