Four minutes until I can fart!
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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