You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
