A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
