that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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