i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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