Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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