My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
