Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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