I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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