nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
