I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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