i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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