I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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