No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
