and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
