this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
The adults are the big ones right?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
