It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize