how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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