Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
