just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The uberlube is also flammable
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
