I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
