I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
