Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
