I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
