I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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