I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize