In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
