I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
