My cat gives me a boner
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
