I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
