my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
