How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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