Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
