totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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