She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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