Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Sober January is a disaster.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
