I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
