mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
