im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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