i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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