Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
