just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize